she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
