Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there's paper in my vomit.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
