So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
