I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
