WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
