My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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