My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
