U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
