Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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