my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
