Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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