are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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