so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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