the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
