I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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