I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
