Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
