My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I love you. Go after that dick
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
