you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
