Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
