I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
