No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
