so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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