She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
