If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
