I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am one with the molecules
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
