I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Never underestimate the power of titties
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
