I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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