Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
