It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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