If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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