I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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