you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
