i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
