i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
