Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
