Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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