I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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