I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
