Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
