This dress was meant to end up on your floor
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
