The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
