I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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