Soap is not a condiment
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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