I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The air was thick with penises
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
