so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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