WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize