Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
