I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
