She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize