You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
