Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
