dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
