i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
