he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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