Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
