make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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