found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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