Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
