your parents love me but you hate me
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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