Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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