wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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